I imagine it is different for everyone, but that there are some similarities. I can only tell you what it feels like from my experience. If yours is different, I would love to hear about it! In order to #endthestigma, we have to get the dialogue going.
For me, depression usually begins with, of all things, anxiety. I have learned that I am a perfectionist, and I have absolutely unrealistic expectations for myself - expectations that no person, certainly not little ol’ me, could meet. I usually overburden and overbook myself. Then, if something isn’t working out the way I planned (and really, when DOESN’T that happen?), then anxiety creeps in. It usually begins with a tightness in my shoulders. A sense of overwhelm. My mind firing a thousand miles a minute, like a five-year-old laptop with too many browser windows open. I can’t keep up.
At this point it is usually best if I can have some down time to regroup, but that rarely happens. I teach high school. I tend bar on Saturday nights. I run a health and fitness business. Then there is family, husband, housework… and not much left for me. What usually happens is that I am firing on all cylinders nonstop… and then my body MAKES me stop.
I know some medical professionals don’t truck with the “adrenal fatigue” idea, but it makes sense to me. I sit at such a state of high anxiety with adrenaline pumping for so long (weeks, months sometimes) that eventually, I crash. It is almost better if I have a full-blown anxiety attack, as much as I hate to say that… It seems to relieve some of the emotional pressure once it is over. But if I don’t...
This is when the depression happens. At some point, I become exhausted. I’ll go to bed at 5 pm one evening, and come morning, I can’t budge.
Not won’t. CAN’T. I cannot make myself get out of that bed, no matter what is going on.
In the throes of a full depression, I will sleep 20 out of 24 hours. I’ll get out of bed to pee, get water, and get something to eat (maybe). My bed is the only comfortable place in the world at this point; it is warm, dark, heavy, and calm. Anything else feels like raw skin being rubbed with sandpaper.
Emotionally, depression feels like walking around with a continuously broken heart and I DON’T KNOW WHY. It defies logic. I know you have little to NOTHING to be so unhappy about. My head tries to talk my heart out of it, but it isn’t budging. Depression PHYSICALLY HURTS, right in my chest where my heart is, just like the time my first boyfriend broke up with me. Except no one has broken up with me.
Even moving feels like slogging through mud. NOTHING appeals to me; someone could come offer me my dream vacation, and if I decided to go, it would be begrudgingly. Activities I typically enjoy (reading, movies, dancing, sports, whatever) sound flat. I liken this to spending the last 5 years watching top-of-the-line HD Blue Ray TV, and then going back to a 13-inch black and white with rabbit ears, no cable. Everything seems lifeless, tasteless. The only activity that seems remotely appealing is sleeping.
Speaking of taste, personally, my appetite vacillates between two extremes: eating nothing at all, or eating everything I can get my hands on that is disgusting and bad for me. Both make me feel worse.
Then comes the insidious negative thoughts. These thoughts sneak in like cockroaches where they breed like crazy and feel impossible to get rid of. Again, they defy logic; they don’t make any sense. Thoughts like “everyone hates me”; “my family would be better off without me”; “I should just die;” and “please, God, don’t let me wake up in the morning”. You know logically that you don’t REALLY want to die - you just don’t want to feel LIKE THIS. And then, because of these thoughts that you have no control over, you feel shame and guilt on top of the deep sadness and heartache. You have to understand that those thoughts are not you - they are the disease.
It feels like there is no hope; like you have been buried alive and no one will hear you scream. It feels like the alternative would just be easier...But it isn’t.
I think one of the worst aspects of depression is that the things that make it better are the hardest things to do. Getting out of bed. Showering. Eating. Putting on real clothes and leaving the house, dammit.
Yes, it is hard. Do it anyway. Do ONE thing, and then go back to bed. Then the next day, do TWO things. Unload the dishwasher. Go sit on the front porch. Watch funny youtube videos. Try, just a little.
It is also difficult to ask for - and seek out - help. You MUST. Not for someone to nag at you and tell you to get out of bed, but for someone to know what is really going on; to reach out a hand and hold yours; to remind you of why getting out of bed it worth it.
It is one of the most difficult things to do - to get out of bed and put some clothes on. To at least brush your teeth, wash your face, and walk out the front door - for anything: to go the gas station; to have lunch with a loved one; to walk around the block with your dog. You have to. You may not believe it at the time, but it is the only thing that will make you begin to feel better.
At first it will be exhausting. You might only be able to leave the house for a bit and then go back to bed. Keep doing it. Try to do a little more every day. Wash the sheets. Cook a meal. Unload the dishwasher.
As long as you keep trying, one day, it won’t be so difficult to get out of bed. You might actually want to. You might want to call someone. You might want to rejoin the living.
It DOES happen, but you have to reach out for help. It is so hard, but it is so worth it: Life.
What happens with me is that I usually get so ANGRY and FRUSTRATED and TIRED of feeling this way that I become enraged that something like this could defeat me. Emotions boil over.
I’m not going to lie; I usually break something. Once it was my laptop. While I don’t recommend it, there is something cathartic about it - realizing that you do still have power over physical matter, at the very least.
Maybe you are the lucky person who only experiences one depressive event in her life. Maybe you are more like me, and it comes in waves. Sometimes it will disappear for years at a time. Sometimes it feels like it will never end. Keep the faith that it will. If you just keep trying, it does. It is worth it to dig out of the hole.
You can do this, and you don’t have to do it alone. Please, please, ask for help.
You are SO FIERCE.
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